Phish and Recovery

In a recent GQ article, Trey Anastasio (among others) discussed his life and career since becoming sober twelve years ago¹. It is a revealing, and at times touching, look at what being substance free has meant to Anastasio and by extension Phish and its fan community. Anastasio openly questions where his life would be if he wasn’t stopped in upstate New York and court-ordered into rehab. At the least, the reunification of Phish would not have happened. Anastasio shares that he imagines much more dire consequences for his addiction.

On its surface, Anastasio’s continued sobriety strikes one as ironic. Phish concerts and the accompanying tour lifestyle embrace drugs and alcohol use often to the point of stereotype and parody. One only need to look as far as the Simpsons and Saturday Night Live for examples of such conceptions. Since Phish returned in 2009, however, their music has featured references to the philosophy and ethos of 12 step recovery. It is one of the most consistent themes to emerge in the band’s music(specifically lyrics) in the last ten years.

This essay examines the relationship between Phish and the philosophy of recovery, especially 12 step recovery. There are other philosophies of drug and alcohol recovery, but none are as ubiquitous as the twelve step model. In addition, further demonstrating the prevalence of the 12 steps, as in the case with Anastasio and his arrest and sentencing, the 12 step movement is tacitly endorsed by local and state American courts. Finally it is the method of recovery that is reflected most in Phish’s lyrics from 2009 until the present.

In order to demonstrate this link between band and philosophy, some background is in order. First, a brief look at the philosophy behind the twelve steps. Just as Phish and its fan base are sometimes reduced to parody, so too are 12 step groups and those that participate in them. Though some of the sayings and mottoes of 12 step groups are often quoted to the point of cliche, there are definitive tenets and concepts, sometimes encapsulated in such cliche sayings, that need to be presented here.

Second, a look at Phish and its attitude toward drugs and alcohol before their 2004 break up is needed to demonstrate where the band was, philosophically speaking, prior to their return in 2009. Though it is not as obvious as the change in outlook that occurs after 2009, there is still a definitive attitude present in Phish’s music when it comes to substance use. This attitude is also reflected by the fan base, and it can be argued, one of the elements that helped the band become so popular in the 1990s.

Third, an important part, if not the most important part, of the explicit relationship between Phish and recovery is what happened to Trey Anastasio between 2004 and 2009. Though there is every reason to believe that Anastasio was aware of recovery prior to his arrest and rehabilitation, it was during this time that there was a fundamental shift within Anastasio, leading to an embrace of 12 step based recovery and the ideals of the 12 step approach. These intervening years are the best window into understanding where these new ideas were introduced to Anastasio and by extension the band.

Finally, as evidence of this new relationship between the band and recovery, an examination of some of the most significant examples of newer Phish songs and how they embrace the 12 step philosophy. Obviously, not every song written in the last ten years reflect this relationship, but a number of them are quite explicit. While some songs reflect a positive outlook, an active recovery, others are more reflective about the past. Both types of songs are very representative of twelve step recovery.

Philosophy of 12 Step Recovery

The term recovery is now shorthand for “recovery from addiction.” It is mostly concerned with recovery from addiction to drugs and alcohol, which is the case in this essay, but people now claim recovery from a large array of addictive behaviors, from hoarding, spending, sex addiction and gambling just to name a few. The term firmly took root with the advent of Alcoholics Anonymous and its instructional text of the same name. The subtitle of the book, “the story of how thousands of men and women recovered from alcoholism²” may not be the first instance of word in association with alcoholism, but it definitely gained popularity with AA, especially as the group grew to national and international prominence in the 1950s and 1960s.³

But, beyond the word recovery, what is actually meant by it, especially with regards to the 12 step approach to dealing with alcoholism and later addiction? The best source for a philosophy of recovery in the 12 step model are the materials provided by Alcoholics Anonymous. The two most important books, Alcoholics Anonymous and The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12X12) provide a detailed course of action used by individuals to combat their alcoholism. Both books are largely the work of one person, Bill Wilson, a co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. The eponymous book was first published in 1935 and was a bit more of a collaborative effort between Wilson, Dr. Bob Smith the other co-founder, and other early members of the fellowship. The 12X12 was published in 1950 and is the sole work of Wilson. Taken together, the two books offer the best picture of what is meant as a program of recovery.

The simplest and most straightforward interpretation of the philosophy of the steps and AA was presented by Ernest Kurtz in his history of Alcoholics Anonymous, Not-God: A History of Alcoholics Anonymous. Kurtz defines the bedrock of the AA message as “not-god.” That is, the alcoholic is not god. The individual is not the center of being, that there is something more powerful than the individual and their ego.⁴ In AA parlance, “There is a god and I am not it.”

While this is a helpful beginning to understanding the philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous and recovery, there is more to it. The acceptance of the destructive nature of alcoholism, self centeredness and that some kind of power outside of oneself is the essence of the first three steps of AA. It is the part of the program that begins the process of ego deflation, central to this particular philosophy of recovery. The first step as Wilson describes in the 12X12 as admitting complete defeat.⁵ The second and third steps ask the addict to recognize that there is a power greater than themselves and that it might very well be a supreme being, specifically using the term god in the third step. Throughout the rest of the steps, the term god is used to define a greater power.

However, the process of ego deflation is not complete by defining a power greater than the individual. The next four steps, 4–7, are a process of great self-reflection and for lack of a better term, confession. It is here, especially in steps 4 and 5 that the communal aspect of the 12 step recovery philosophy first presents itself. While step four is a period of self examination, it is but a prelude to the fifth step that calls for the individual to confess their shortcomings as the step says, “another human being.” It is assumed, however, that the other is part of the AA program as well. The original writers of Alcoholics Anonymous were careful not to label these shortcomings as sin. Not only does sin have an explicit religious overtone, but one of the original goals of AA was to negate the idea that alcoholism was a moral failing.

The sixth and seventh steps are perhaps the most religious of the steps. They are the process of forgiveness, within the language of AA. Again, the early members were careful not to use such explicit western religious terminology as forgiveness, but by “humbly asking God to remove these shortcomings” the individual is asking for absolution from their past. The eighth and ninth steps call for the addict to move beyond forgiveness and absolution and move toward atonement.

The tenth and eleventh steps are focused on maintaining the principles of the previous steps. The final step, the twelfth step, rounds out the entire philosophy of 12 step based recovery. It calls those that have worked the steps to “carry the message to other alcoholics and practice these principles in all our affairs.”⁶ As Wilson like to refer to it, this was the great paradox of AA, that in order to keep one’s sobriety, “giving it away” or sharing it with others was vital. The principle comes from the Letter of St. James found in the New Testament of the Bible, “Faith Without Works is Dead.”⁷

There are other aspects of the 12 step philosophy that are not explicitly covered in the steps. First, none of the steps mention total abstinence from alcohol, yet that is the expectation discussed throughout Alcoholics Anonymous. It is clear in reading the text that one drink is too much. The authors also make the correlation between drinking and death. What’s more, the text ascribes great power to alcohol, almost giving it a sinister quality. The book and later the theology developed around the twelve steps and in Wilson’s later writings, equate alcohol with the power greater than the alcoholic that they need to replace. In essence using alcohol to illustrate to the faithless alcoholic that they were indeed beholden to a greater power, but there is an alternative.

Another cornerstone of the recovery philosophy that isn’t explicit in the steps is the importance of the present. One of the most enduring sayings of the twelve step movement is “One Day At a Time.” This saying stems from the focus in Alcoholics Anonymous that links sobriety to a “daily reprieve” from alcohol. Other slogans within AA focus on this general theme, such as “Just for Today” and the idea of the “Perfect Present.” These slogans and common discussion within AA meetings reminds members of the philosophical discipline of mindfulness, of focusing on the now.

Other phrases in AA that don’t appear in the steps, but in Alcoholics Anonymous and other published materials further develop the philosophy of 12 step recovery. Slogans such as “First Things First,” “Live and Let Live” and especially “Easy Does It.”⁸ This final phrase is especially poignant to alcoholics who have often put a great deal of energy and anxiety toward not only achieving sobriety, but to many other aspects of their lives. The idea of taking life on life’s terms is expressed throughout AA literature.

The concept of acceptance is fundamental to the philosophy of 12 step recovery. One member wrote in their personal story contained in Alcoholics Anonymous, “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today”⁹ This chapter, originally entitled “Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict” and later renamed “Acceptance is the Answer” has become a touchstone for the philosophy of recovery. Though it may seem like a passive method to deal with the various tribulations of remaining in recovery, it is a reflection of a prayer that AA has adopted almost since its inception.

The Serenity Prayer, often attributed to the Lutheran theologian Reinhold Niebuhr states:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.¹⁰

The Serenity Prayer concept of acceptance demonstrates the active nature of the principle. It calls for further reflection and meditation on any given circumstance. In the case of the addict, it is, at least to start, the circumstance of addiction. Like the 12 steps, the first principle of the Serenity Prayer is to admit/accept the condition of addiction. After accepting that, the next step is to engage, or have courage, to work on change. Finally, like the final steps of the twelve, the important action is to discern what can and cannot be changed. What aspects of any given situation are reality (life on life’s terms) and what can be improved.

The overwhelming majority of treatment facilities in the United States endorse the 12 step method and philosophy of recovery. Further since 1974, courts have been ordering those convicted of crimes related to alcohol and drug abuse to attend mandatory 12 step meetings. The largest and most recognized treatment facility, Hazelden/Betty Ford has a very close relationship with the 12 step program, using materials from Alcoholics Anonymous in its treatment centers and publishing many of its own resources that are centered on the 12 steps. Other treatment facilities follow the same model as Hazelden/Betty Ford. In addition to having 12 step meetings at a facility, the centers usually have other group therapy sessions and individual counseling. One such program, that not only embraces the 12 step program of recovery, but works with the legal system as a better means of treating drug offenders is the New York Drug Court Program. According to the program’s website, the courts:

represent the coordinated efforts of the judiciary, prosecution, defense bar, probation, law enforcement, mental health, social service and treatment communities to actively and forcefully intervene and break the cycle of substance abuse, addiction and crime. As an alternative to less effective interventions, drug courts quickly identify substance abusing offenders and place them under strict court monitoring and community supervision, coupled with effective, long-term treatment services.¹¹

Drinking, Drug Culture and Phish

When examining Phish’s body of work, finding specific references to any particular concept, behavior or belief is challenging. The band isn’t always direct in their lyrical content, often using metaphor and imagery to convey their thoughts and beliefs. Beyond the lyrics the music itself and the band’s stage presence also impart the greater meaning of Phish. If nothing else, the band is dedicated to whimsy and enjoyment. The use of trampolines on stage, Trey rollerblading through the audience and pushing big balls into the audience reflect an almost childlike approach to entertainment. Some of Phish’s earliest song titles reinforce this. You Enjoy Myself, Bouncing Around the Room and Run Like An Antelope (especially considering the rallying lyric, “Run like an antelope, out of control”) all convey a sense of freedom and wonder, again much like the view of a child toward the world.

This positive atmosphere of music, this aura of “good vibes,” lends itself to a celebratory feeling around the music and especially the live experience. It is this combination, positive music, whimsy and celebration, that one can gain some insight into the attitude of Phish regarding drinking and drug use. The first place to look are the songs and lyrics of the band, especially prior to 2009. Admittedly, there isn’t a great body of material related to drinking and drugs in the Phish catalog. Phish works more subtly. Compared to an artist like Jimmy Buffett, who has made an empire devoted to singing about drinking, Phish barely registers.

There are some key examples however, that give us some idea. The first, chronologically speaking is from “Fluffhead.” The final line before launching into the composed section of the song, “I sure got some powerful pills!” often followed by an “Oh Yeah!”¹² is a high point during the song that the audience always celebrates. The joyous attitude toward drug use is apparent, expressed by the band and embraced by the crowd. “Bathtub Gin” presents a similar welcoming attitude toward drinking and drug use.¹³ Bathtub gin, the actual product, was a catch all of alcohol created in the United States during Prohibition. The quotes within the song of George Gershwin’s “Rhapsody in Blue” a very prominent song during the era, written in 1924, plays on that history. Furthermore, throughout the song, the image of actual bathtub gin is evoked, “Wendy making bathtub gin” and the Joker “drinking a martini, made of bathtub gin,” specifically. The final lines, “We’re all in this together, and we love to take a bath” is reminiscent of the attitude toward pills in “Fluffhead.” As Anastasio sings the line at concerts, the crowd roars along with him. It is not a deep interpretation of lyrical intent to assume that the joy derived from taking a bath has more meaning than personal hygiene.

Two of the most explicit songs about drinking and alcohol are “Mexican Cousin” and “Secret Smile,” appearing late in the band’s music prior to the 2004 breakup. “Mexican Cousin” appears on the Round Room album released in 2002.¹⁴ Phish, known for their subtly and lyrical elusiveness, are quite direct in “Mexican Cousin.” The song is specifically about tequila. It tells the story of someone who finds comfort in drinking, often to excess, even blacking out, and doesn’t seem concerned with their bad behavior while in such a state. The author appears relieved to lose a friend, as long as the Mexican cousin is still available. Though the song comes off as a bit of a tongue in cheek kind of enterprise, when considering Anastasio’s later struggles with addiction, the song resembles more of an alcoholic prior to getting treatment. The blacking out, the loss of friends and the isolation to all things except alcohol are all common themes in the stories of those who have had issues with addiction, prior to going to treatment.

“Secret Smile” was released on the Undermind album in 2004.¹⁵ Like “Mexican Cousin,” it is a very straightforward song especially with regards toward drinking. It paints a tranquil scene of a couple watching a sunset, drinking wine. “Secret Smile” is not as innocent as it appears. First, the first image we receive of wine is of an ocean. This is not a relaxing glass of wine after a long day, but a picture of excess. The plaintiff line, “Hold on, hold on to me” has an air of desperation. Where the narrator in “Mexican Cousin” is defiant to those who he has had a falling out with, in “Secret Smile” the opposite occurs. Reminiscent of alcoholic stories, the drinker needs comfort. Finally, the image of Dionysus is often identified with wine, but he was also the god of madness and ecstasy. The appearance of the god seems harmless, but he won’t leave until he “sees our glasses full again.” It is as though the narrator doesn’t have a choice when it comes to drinking. The glass becomes full as if by divine intervention. Like the alcoholic or drug addict, the narrator is powerless over the next glass of wine. Dionysus is providing more than the next drink. He is providing the narrator with a means toward madness through the ecstatic practice of drinking to excess.

The examples of Phish’s attitude or philosophy toward drinking and drug use, for simplicity’s sake have been confined to songs released on studio albums. The one exception that provides an explicit endorsement of drug use, especially marijuana, is “Makisupa Policeman.” The song follows a reggae structure, a type of music known for its association with cannabis. From the band’s earliest concerts, in 1984, “Makisupa” has included a keyword section that revolves around smoking cannabis. In the early years, the line varied between an explicit reference to drug use, “Woke up this morning, smoked a little herb. Woke up in the afternoon, smoked a little herb”¹⁶ and marginal political statements such as, “Woke up in the morning, dioxin on my head; woke up in the afternoon, Gaddafi in my bed.”¹⁷

Over the years, Phish altered the line as a means of playing to the crowd by using current slang for marijuana in lines such as, “Woke up at 4:20, dank”¹⁸ “Woke up in the morning, tea”¹⁹ and “Woke up in the morning, stink kind.”²⁰ More than any other song in the Phish catalog, Makisupa Policeman demonstrates the strong link between Phish and drug use, especially prior to the 2009 reunion.

Phish 3.0 and 12 step Recovery

In December of 2006, Phish had been broken up for two years. The band members remained active, going their separate ways, but still performing. Trey Anastasio and his band had just finished a fall tour in Los Angeles and was back east getting ready for a New Years Eve run. On the night of December 15th, Anastasio was pulled over in Whitehall, New York. He failed a field sobriety test and was charged with multiple crimes, including driving under the influence of alcohol, driving while under the influence of drugs and possession of multiple drugs including percocet, heroin, and xanax.²¹

It wasn’t the first time Anastasio had a run in with the law regarding drug possession, but it was the most serious. In April of 2007, he plead guilty to lesser charges and was remanded to Drug Court where he needed to make weekly court appearances for up to 15 months. He moved to Washington County in Upstate New York to carry out his sentence. There was a difference in this arrest, beyond the seriousness of the charges against Anastasio. At the time of the arrest, Anastasio was quoted as saying to the arresting officer, “‘You know what, I’ve got a problem and I’ve got to take care of it. Everything happens for a reason.”²² Also after the arrest, Anastasio issued a short statement, “”[I feel] terrible about what happened last night, and I am deeply sorry for any embarrassment I have caused my friends, family and fans.”²³

Anastasio spent 14 months doing community service and as he said, ““I spent 24 hours a day thinking about nothing but Phish,”²⁴ He also spent a few days in jail for missing mandatory meetings.²⁵ The time in the jail cell sparked thoughts of what was lost. Anastasio said, “ “When Phish broke up, I made some comment about how I’m not gonna go around playing ‘You Enjoy Myself’ for the rest of my life…[however] at this point in time I would give my left nut to play that song five times in a row every day until I die. I certainly thought about that while I was in jail.”²⁶

Much like an alcoholic giving a testimony about their drinking and eventual recovery, there are a number of songs that act in a similar way, sharing Anastasio’s story of addiction and recovery. Some of the songs are reminiscent of an addict before they started recovery. Even before Anastasio got sober in 2007, he was sharing his story through his music. “A Case of Ice and Snow” is one of the rawest pictures of a person dealing with addiction.²⁷ “Strung out”, “Nowhere left to go”, “Left here alone, I’m cold and spun round”²⁸ all speak to the isolation and loneliness that many addicts feel when they are in the throes of their addiction. As the song ends and the final line is repeated, “spun round, a case of ice and snow” the feeling of being overwhelmed is apparent, of being confused and not knowing which way to go.

While there are numerous songs that illustrate Phish, especially Anastasio’s embrace, of a philosophy of recovery the song Everything’s Right is one of the best to illustrate this link, especially as Anastasio continues into his second decade of recovery. The song starts with the narrator complaining about being finished, having paid his dues, of being treated unfairly, “I’m in prison without a crime/ The sentence stretches on undefined.” Yet, with the chorus, regardless of the perceived slights, “Everything’s right.” It speaks of a key component of the philosophy of recovery, that of acceptance. One of the most quoted passages from Alcoholics Anonymous, “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today”²⁹ shares this idea. The rest of the song shares additional recovery sentiments. The second verse expresses the idea of remaining in the present, the now:

Focus on the past and that’s what will last
Nothing that is real and nothing you can feel
Focus on tomorrow you’ll have to borrow
Images and mind and friends you left behind
Focus on today, you’ll find a way
Happiness is how rooting in the now³⁰

The third verse, ends with the advice to not take this life for granted. Like those in recovery, it expresses the idea that life in recovery, free from addiction is a gift and the addict needs to appreciate that fact in order to remain clean and sober. Finally, the coda of the song, “the long night is over and the sun’s coming up”³¹ shares the concept of emerging into the light. Everything’s Right expresses some of the most positive and hopeful aspects of Phish throughout their entire song book. It also has a maturity to it that is akin to a person who has been associated with recovery for a significant period of time. In short, it is Anastasio’s statement about long-term recovery.

Conclusion

During set break of Phish shows, a group of fans that stay clean and sober at shows called the Phellowship hold meetings. These meetings are very reminiscent of twelve-step meetings, encouraging sharing personal stories and celebrating sober achievements, such as first, tenth, hundreth sober show or lengths of sobriety in “real life.” At one of the 2018 shows in Rosemont, Illinois, the meeting was concluded with the “Blaze On” prayer. Instead of closing with the Lord’s prayer like many twelve step groups, or the serenity prayer, which often concludes Phellowship meetings, the “Blaze On” prayer is a recitation of the song’s chorus:

You got your nice shades on
And the worst days are gone
So now the band plays on
You got one life, blaze on³²

Like many of the songs in the recent history of Phish, Blaze On, especially the chorus, reflects the notion of emerging from a darker past to a brighter present. It also reflects the notion of embracing the present and living life to the fullest. The Phellowship’s embrace of the song exemplifies the ongoing relationship between Phish and the philosophy of recovery. The relationship isn’t lost on Anastasio either. While he wouldn’t break the flow of a show by discussing sobriety he did mention that he thinks about people at shows trying to stay sober:

“Oh, my God, I wonder if somebody in the back row’s at their first sober show?” And then I kind of wink in my mind to them. I’m like, “Hey, man, I’m not gonna take that stuff either today.”³³

Though it was not always the case, Phish, especially since 2009, has openly expressed an understanding and embrace of the twelve-step philosophy of recovery. Though the lyrics of many of the songs over the last decade reflect this relationship, it has never come across as a prolyzation. Phish and the atmosphere of their concerts expresses a philosophy of freedom, release and enjoyment. Much of the philosophy of recovery espouses similar ideas. Though Phish and their community is often associated with drug use, the philosophy of recovery is equally at home within the fan base and the music.

Photo from AZNpics

References

1. GQ, January 19, 2019. https://www.gq.com/story/clean-musicians
2. Alcoholics Anonymous. (New York, AA World Services, 2001 4e).
3. NB. The term recovered/recovery appears 20 times in Alcoholics Anonymous.
4. Ernest Kurtz. Not-God: A History of Alcoholics Anonymous. (Hazelden, MN, Hazelden Publishing, 1984 [1979]) 25.
5. The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. (New York: AA World Services, 1950), 21.
6. Alcoholics Anonymous, 57.
7. James, 1:4.
8. Alcoholics Anonymous, 135.
9. Ibid, 417.
10. There is some debate as to who is the true author of the prayer. However, Niebuhr did expand on the thoughts behind the prayer which may be why it is so closely associated with him.
11. “Courts” New York State Office of Alcohol and Substance Abuse Services. https://www.oasas.ny.gov.cj/alternatives/Courts.cfm
12. Phish, “Fluffhead,” recorded 1988, track 9 on Junta, Elektra Records, compact disc.
13. Phish, “Bathtub Gin,” recorded 1990, track 6 on Lawn Boy, Elektra Records, compact disc.
14. Phish, “Mexican Cousin,” recorded 2002, track 4 on Round Room, Elektra Records, compact disc.
15. Phish, “Secret Smile,” recorded 2004, track 13 on Undermind, Elektra Records, compact disc.
16. Makisupa Policeman Keyword Chart. Phish.net 8/13/1993 http://phish.net/makisupa-keyword-chart
17. Ibid., 10/14/1989
18. Ibid., 6/10/1995
19. Ibid., 11/30/1995
20. Ibid., 11/15/1995
21. “Ex-Phish Front Man Trey Anastasio Pleads Guilty to Drug Charge,” Fox News, last modified January 13, 2015. https://www.foxnews.com/story/ex-phish-frontman-tre-anastasio-pleads-guilty-to-drug-charge
22. Don Lehman, “Phish Lead Singer Arrested in Whitehall,” The Post Star, last modified December 15, 2006. https://postar.com/news/phish-lead-singer-arrested-in-whitehall
23. Lisa Rathke, “Rocker Trey Anastasio Pleads Guilty, Avoids Jail in Drug Case,” Boston.com local news, last modified April 13, 2007. http://archive.boston.com/news/local/maine/articles/2007/04/13/rocker_trey_anastasio_pleads_guilty_avoids_jail_in_drug_case/
24. “Trey Anastasio Opens Up About Past Drug Use,” Rolling Stone, last modified November 12, 2012. https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/trey-anastasio-opens-up-about-past-drug-addiction-180149/
25. Heath, “Creating While Clean.”
26. Brian Hiatt, “Trey Anastasio Hints at Phish Reunion,” Rolling Stone, last modified May 28, 2008. https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/trey-anastasio-hints-at-phish-reunion-110977/
27. Trey Anastasio, “A Case of Ice and Snow,” recorded 2006, track 9 on Bar 17, Rubber Jungle Records, compact disc.
28. https://www.phish.net/song/a-case-of-ice-and-snow/lyrics
29. Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 417.
30. https://phish.net/song/everythings-right/lyrics
31. Ibid.
32. https://phish.net/song/blaze-on/lyrics
33. Heath, Creating While Clean.”