COVID coming to an end finally seems possible, but returning to the old world seems impossible
Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate
And though I oft have passed by,
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun
— JRR Tolkien, The Return of the King
I was always struck by the end of Lord of the Rings, especially the melancholy conclusion of its main character, Frodo Baggins. After finishing his memoir, after a year or so of reflection, he knows that the world of his past, the Shire, isn’t for him anymore. He is happy that the Shire was saved, that his trusted companion Sam found love and happiness, but it is not his place. The time that he spent away from the Shire, from normal, changed him in profound and irreparable ways.
Even before the year anniversary of COVID arrived, I thought quite a bit about what comes next. A return to the office was a given. But after that physical change, then what? Since March 2020, I went into my office building three times for quick errands, never spending more than 10 minutes inside. Each time, it felt more like returning to a place I used to work or a school I used to attend. It felt like the past, something to visit but not where I belong.
I imagine those first few weeks back and I can’t get past how awkward and strained they will feel. Making small talk with people I haven’t seen in a year, but used to see almost every day. How can we have those chats in the kitchenette anymore? “Hey Dave, been a while. How about the weather?” was never much to begin with, now it seems utterly pointless. Look, Dave, it’s nothing personal, but we didn’t really give a shit about each other in the first place, so let’s just leave it there.
It’s more than just the job though. It has been a year since I’ve been to a concert, a restaurant, a baseball game, a movie. What are any of those going to feel like going forward? When will I feel safe enough to go out without a mask? When can I shake hands again? Hug a friend I haven’t seen in a year? As trite as it might sound, I don’t think it will ever be the same.
We’ve been through a lot this past year, some more than others. I am very aware of how lucky I’ve been. Only a couple of COVID scares for my immediate family. No deaths related to COVID and no job loss. As awkward as working from home full-time started out, it has become normal. I can’t escape the feeling that when I go back, it will feel like taking a step backward, to something I’ve outgrown.
Unfortunately, there is no ship waiting at the sea, ready to take me away to something new. Unlike Frodo, I still haven’t found that secret gate, that path to bring some comfort and ease. I need to keep looking.
